Subutex and Suboxone are medications approved for the treatment of opiate dependence. While detoxing they place the pill or strip of paper under your tongue where it is absorbed into your blood vessels. Subutex contains only buprenorphine hydrochlorid, Suboxone contains an additional ingredient called Naloxone, which is intended to protect against abuse. The addict uses this medication to help with the withdrawal off opiates.
I had a very interesting experience with both of these medications. Even though they were not my drugs of choice, the first time I took them, they still gave me a sense of ease and comfort. I began obsessing about them and easily justified using them, especially because their medical implications are helpful. I found I desired to use them beyond what they were prescribed to me for. I was afraid of withdrawal and truly I was abusing Suboxone. There was a fine line I crossed, using it to get high rather than detox. The lies I told myself were that I believed I was getting better and detoxing off Heroin, when in reality I was just physically addicted to Suboxone. Withdrawal, off of this medication was not pretty. I was only supposed to be on the medication for around 2 weeks. I justified abusing this medication for nearly 8 months, and took 30, 60, 90 day chips from AA while on it.
The worse delusion I had was that I felt healthier with regular Suboxone use and not using Heroin. I manipulated to get more of these medications, which is another sign of my abuse. I was med – seeking and thought I was sober. I would complain more to doctors, I would go into the bathroom and bring my heart rate up before having doctors take my vitals so I could get more, I told them I used more than I did so I could get a higher dose and I found my own Suboxone doctors.
This method of treatment could have been helpful if I only suffered from physical addiction. However, as a real addict this medication only delayed my getting sober. I was under the delusion that I was getting better when really I was trapped in the physical and mental obsession to get high. While crossing these lines I had to go back and really look at how I had abused these medications. Taking 30, 60, 90 day and 6 month sobriety chips in the program were little analogies for my own delusion. I was taking actions like identifying myself as a sober member and taking chips to support my false beliefs.
As I went on to justify my Suboxone abuse, the larger the chip I took the stronger my physical addiction to Suboxone. On top of this not all the doctors that were prescribing me this medication were upstanding medical professionals. It’s controversial in sobriety whether a person is sober or not while on medications like Suboxone. Personally, I do not believe I am entitled to call myself sober until I am free of medications assisting me with withdrawal from Heroin until the protocol is complete and I can stand on my own two feet with the help of my AA commitment.