18 Feb Understanding Powerlessness in Drug Treatment Aftercare
Most of my life, I have been trying to control every single aspect and detail and as a result, things always ended up the way I didn’t want them to. Although I had proven that I couldn’t fully control situations, I still made countless attempts to stay in the control seat. Needless to say, all of these attempts had been futile. I would avoid certain social situations so I didn’t have to experience a negative outcome. Instead of working through imagined rejection, I wouldn’t even engage in interactions.
I hated having things turn out the way I didn’t want them to, yet I could never accept that life is going to be full of unexpected turnouts. Good or bad, I am powerless over what happens to me. My desire for control over others and myself kept me living in a small, confined circle of fear. Unwilling to do things which might jeopardize that sense of “control”, I robbed myself of many different experiences.
What drug treatment aftercare in the house has taught me is to let go and have faith that everything will turn out the way it’s meant to. It’s as if I’ve lived my whole life riding my bicycle with the training wheels on because I know for a fact that I’d fall without them. I don’t want to lose my training wheels because there’s a risk of falling or losing control of the bike, and if I stopped pedaling because I was too tired, then the bike would topple over on me. When I finally decided to grow up and take off the training wheels, I found out that if I kept pedaling I wouldn’t fall over. Granted, I’d fall from time to time but as I kept practicing I got better at riding the bike. I also enjoyed it a lot more because I was able to do more with the bike now that I didn’t have to rely on the two extra slowing me down. That is what hopping out of the “driver seat and getting in the passenger seat” is all about. It’s about taking risks, letting go of fear, and not trying to make everything turn out the way you want it to.
As a result, things have turned out much different for me in drug treatment aftercare. I was able to find a job simply by looking and being honest in all my interviews instead of lying so I’d look good and get the job. I don’t control what’s going to happen to me on a daily basis, I just do the work I need to do every day and I try never to play into the results. Now I can honestly say I have no clue what will happen to me in a week, a year, or 10 years from now. But whatever happens will happen and I am excited to see what life has in store for me.