The following is a letter that was written by one of the alumni of New Life House, three years after he first came to us.
It’s hard to look at the way I treated you in my addiction. It’s hard to confront the way I hurt you.
I wish you hadn’t had to spend so many nights in tears, wishing for me to change.
It wasn’t just you though.
Dad, Zak and Katelyn all got dragged through the mud too. I didn’t see the way you were suffering. All I saw was my next fix.
I knew that the emotional abuse was killing you. I knew that all you wanted was a son that loved you.
Instead, I was a son that used you. I had lost control.
I needed drugs more than I wanted to be a good person.
I remember the first time I stole from your purse. It felt wrong, the idea of deceiving the woman who love me so much. I was worried about how it would hurt you if you found out, about how much trouble I would get in. After that first time though, it got easier.
You got the worst of it Mom, because of your unconditional love and endless compassion. I used your best qualities against you because I wanted to get high more than I wanted to be a good son.
I remember the day that you were coming to visit me in my apartment. You were so excited to come see my place. I told myself over and over that I was going to clean it up before you got there.
When you showed up, my front door was unlocked.
You found me inside on my couch, passed out.
There was trash covering the floor, the carpet was stained, and drug paraphernalia was lying all over the coffee table. When I woke up to the sight of you in tears, I lashed out and demanded that you leave the apartment.
You had showed up out of love, worried about your son, trying to make sure I was ok.
I wasn‘t ok.
Throughout everything, you continued to show up.
I continued to lie, to cheat, and to steal. I continued to emotionally abuse you
I’ll admit that I was guilty then, but I was in such an extreme state of selfishness that I couldn’t acknowledge that because I had to find a way to get my next fix.
You’d cry, and I’d lie to you to calm you down because deep down I wanted you to be happy;
I guess I just hadn’t connected the dots that I was the source of your pain yet;
I see it so clearly now, but I can’t take back the years of pain that I put you through.
I’ll never know how you made it so long. It’s a testament to the type of person that you are: loving, caring and kind.
You were uninformed though, and you didn’t know what to do for me, your son.
How could you have though? How could you have known what to do, living with a son that was a drug addict. You just didn’t have the resources yet. It wasn’t your responsibility.
Thank God you got the resources though. Thank God you finally made the hard decisions that saved my life.
I wish I could take back the years of torment that I put you through; it’s just not possible. The best that I can do is show up for you now and be the best son that I can be with my sobriety.
I promise that I will.
I am so grateful that you made the hard choice that my only option was recovery. I’m so grateful that you gave me an opportunity to rebuild my life.
I wouldn’t have the beautiful life that I do today if it wasn’t for you.
I will be grateful for the rest of my life.
I love you mom.
You got the worst of it Mom, because of your unconditional love and endless compassion.
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