How One Mother Found Peace By Letting Go

How One Mother Found Peace By Letting Go

I am a planner.  It’s the only control I have ever felt I have had over my life.  As a child, I had no control over anything that happened to me so when I became an adult I made a decision that I would never allow anyone else to have control over me and my life.  I controlled where I went, what I did and who I allowed into my life.  I didn’t know how to function if I didn’t have control.  Then along came Caleb…

Caleb was my “Mr. Happy”, my “CuddleBunny” and my shadow.  I controlled his naps, playdates, school, meals and every other aspect of his life.  This worked great for us.  He was an easy baby, toddler, and young child.  He did as he was told and wanted to please me and all the other adults in his life.  He was kind, sweet, obedient and fun to be around.  Life was good and I was in control.

At some point, this whole dynamic shifted and the life that I thought I controlled began to slowly spin out of control.  It was small things at first.  Little acts of rebellion.  Small changed in his behavior, changes in friends, music, clothes, and time spent with his family.  I continued to try to control with boundaries, consequences, and manipulation.

The details are ugly and unfortunately all too familiar to those of you who struggle with a child who has an addiction.  The memories are hard, shameful, powerful and at times overwhelming with pain and sadness.  Our stories share many of these similarities and threads.  We have seen many of the same things and experienced many of the same feelings of isolation, embarrassment, and helplessness.  What I feel we have most in common is the lack of control we have all felt over a child’s addiction.

My son entered wilderness 18 months ago and New Life House a few months later.  In that time I have learned the reality, the truth and more importantly the beauty of letting go of the control.  My son is an addict and an amazing young man.  He is the man I had always hoped and prayed he would be.  He is in control of his future and in him finding his control I have found peace in letting go of my control and am learning to enjoy the journey.

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